Fire Away, Fuck This Place That We Call Home

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.
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Your Soul Lingers, Like The Sun On My Fingers

So, I thought it would be a good idea to share with all of you the happiest weekend of my life, thus far. If you’re not into sappy things, love or descriptive romance I suggest you move along. It all started early in 2006 right after I broke up with my boyfriend from HS of 5 years, John….

Well, the title of this entry is from a song by the former Finnish band Bleak, now Fireal, with lead singer Caleb Hydra. The lyric is from the song Any Given Day, from the album Burns Inside. Probably one of my favorite albums of all time.

The song and its lyrics describe the happiest weekend of my life, perfectly.

I was dressed nice. In a cute teal tank top, with a ribbon across the middle. A denim skirt, that came just above my knees. And Nikes, yes nikes. I was at London’s Heathrow International Airport and I had to book it to Gat 27. It was far away and I had to clear customs again since I was leaving the country. I was running late, and it was hot out. It was June 2006. I thought the easiest and best way to get around was to foot it with the Nikes and change into my strappy platform sandals either on the plane or in the lobby.

I was booking it to Gate 27 after clearing security, customs and passport control. I remember the stewardesses. They were cheerful and smiled at me, exasperated from my brief run to the gate. Once there, I pulled off my Nikes and quickly fought with my heels to secure them on. I grabbed a diet coke from the vending machine and waited about 5 minutes before boarding the SAS ( Scandinavian Airlines ) Jet bound for Gothenburg (Goteborg), Sweden.

I was feeling all sorts of emotions. I had lied to my friends in London, Mark and Rikard, and told them I was meeting a girlfriend from HS who was studying abroad in Barcelona. I also lied to my mom and family, telling them I was just visiting Mark and Rikard in London. No one knew where I was going, except him.

Oscar. A boy I had met online while playing the mmorpg Neverwinter Nights. We met on the Aventia server. After talking over MSN Messenger we quicjly became friends. I had travelled to England that Summer to see Eileen who was studying abroad with Stanford University at Oxford University. In all fairness, I did visit her for one day. I went to Oxford, and met up with her at an Italian restaurant for dinner one night. That trip in itself was a bit of hell, 3 hour bus ride out and 3 hours back ugh. Anyways I digress.

I was getting nervous once I settled down on the plane. I head announcements in Swedish first, then English. I tried to teach myself as much Swedish as I could before heading over there. I sat quietly, fidgeting in my seat, looking out the window. I had the row of seats to myself. It was a sunny day and the flight was scheduled to land in Goteborg late in the evening. But since it was summer and I was headed north, the sun wasnt scheduled to set till 11-11:30pm. Once we arrived, I looked around at the other passengers; I stuck out like a sore thumb

Mini skirt, long straight brown hair, no jacket, sandals. I kept my head down as I navigated the stairs leaving the plane onto the tarmack. Just when I thought there were no more steps to deal with, we had to ascend more to get into the small, international airport. I knew he wouldn’t be there right when I entered the airport. So I kept taking deep breaths as I thought of the things that I had to do, trying to stay focused.

I walked past a bunch of duty free shops, that mostly sold make up and perfume. Some electronics stores as well. Then, my heart sank, deep into my stomach. Standing in front of me were two passport control officers behind glass in little booths. There was hardly anyone around. I stumbled with my things for a moment as I located my passport and let out a long sigh; it was then it hit me.

I did not want to give them my passport. If I did, it mean they would stamp it because I am not a European Union citizen and they have to stamp it by law. There was no way to escape it. I was already there, and if I wanted to see Oscar I had to do it. I just said a quick prayer that my mother wouldn’t flip through my passport when I arrived home the week after. I walked slowly up to one officer and slid my passport under the glass to him, and smiled. I waited there, diverting my eyes from whatever it was he was doing. He asked me a few normal questions, but not nearly as intrusive or as many as the UK border patrol had done in Gatwick and Heathrow. I collected my passport and moved along.

I approached an escalator in which took us down to the very small baggage claim. There were three carousels there. I could see my reflection in the glass to my right and straightened my skirt, fixed my shirt, and smoothed out my hair, took a deep breath then started looking for my duffel bag. I found it in an instant, and took a look around me, seeing where all the people went after collecting their bags.

There were two double doors that opened outward, and beyond them I could see a small gathering of people waiting there. This is it, I thought to myself, this is the moment of truth, he is here, I am here, we are going to meet.

I took a huge breath, brushed my hair aside, slung my bag over my shoulder, turned my eyes down to the ground, and carefully walked through the double doors. I glanced up through my hair to look for Oscar but kept moving while I did so, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I made it through the crowd and towards a door that led outside. I could see the sun was almost set now. I heard my name and a hand grab my arm. I turned, face going white, and it was him. He had a smile on his face, beautiful glowing brown eyes, hiding behind cute glasses, a mop of semi curly brown hair on his head. He was wearing Chuck Taylors (converse sneakers), a military green colored jacked, and semi torn washed out jeans. He was exactly how I had imagined him. We were almost the same height cuz of my heels, but we hugged immediately, and he smelled divine. I knew, I was in love. I could feel the heat returning to my face, as I pulled away and gave him the biggest smile in the world.

"How could you blank me like that? You walked right past me!" He had said, in perfect English. I just smiled and shook my head, a bit embarassed. I had no idea how I missed him. I chalk it up to being so nervous that I wasn’t paying full attention. He took my one bag, like a gentleman and we walked outside to the bus stop. He had already bought the both of us tickets from Gotherburg airport into town. Such a gentleman. We made small talk on the bus on the way into town. We couldnt stop smiling at each other when our eyes met and then the both of us immediately looked away. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my entire life.

Once in town we hopped on the tram and took it to his town, Molndal. After getting off the tram he grabbed my duffel bag and hopped off the tram. There were a bunch of sea gulls around and he kind of ran into them, making them fly everywhere. We laughed and I ran to catch up to him. We climbed the winding staircase to the door of his flat. Once we entered the lights were turned down low, it was very small, but cozy. Very European. His bedroom wasnt much of a room, it was an extension of the living room. The kitchen was quaint, with one window. It had a small table and two chairs. Red cabinets adorned the walls. The bathroom was a traditional European style bathroom. Small, but just big enough. He had a rubber ducky on the tub with devil horns, lol.

Anyways, we were goofy and just silly, running around the place giggling and laughing. The double windows in the living room closed but open enough that you could see the moon rising in the sky. He had gone food shopping before I arrived. He cooked us dinner. The first guy in my life to do so. He made some kind of meat, I forget which kind, a delicious fresh salad, and some bread. I forget what we drank.

After dinner and washing dishes together we decided to watch a movie together. It was Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Let’s just say there wasn’t much movie watching. We were in each others arms the entire night just talking, and kissing, and cuddling the night away on his couch.

It wasn’t till 4 am, and way past when the movie ended that we decided to relocate to his bed. It was a very small bed and I am not a small girl so we were pretty much cuddled up for the remainder of the evening.

We slept in till about 2-4pm that day, heh. When I woke, we got up slowly, after looking at each other, hiding behind each other in bed, and smiling and laughing. Best morning ever. I could see streams of afternoon sunlight coming through the shutters and into the living room, heating up his flat. He made black coffee and warmed some bread with butter in the oven for breakfast.

That afternoon we hiked around Gothenburg, all over the town, hand in hand. Taking in the seaport town, the environment, the beauty. We wound up eating dinner at a small restaurant near his flat. It was sad that I was leaving the next day, we spent the evening cuddled up together. It was an unforgettable evening to say the least.

The next morning was like something straight out of Hollywood, straight out of the movies. We woke, and ate together. I let him shower first, and while he was, I stared out the windows at the trees, the sun, and the sea gulls. I took mental photos of everything. Then I hopped in the shower and cleaned up. When I got out he was on the computer looking up bus times, to make sure I wouldnt miss the one back to the airport.

I managed to pull him away and snap a few photos of the two of us on his counch being silly before we gathered my things and had to leave. He had burned me a cd with some music on it, and I had given him one of my favorite silver rings. I accidentially also left my hairbrush there but I did not learn of that till much later. We took the tram into town, and he mentioned to me that while we were laying in bed that morning there was something he wanted to tell me…but just couldnt. He said, that I knew why. That he was sorry, and I said its okay cuz I kew what he was talking about, I told him that I just wanted him to know that I feeel the same way, then I whispered to him “I love you” and we just smiled at each other. He was sad, and talking way more than usual on the tram. He talks a lot when he is nervous, and tries to put on a happy face but I knew him all too well.

Once off the tram, we were in the center of town, and we thought we had some time to spare before I had to catch the bus back to the airport. We ran into one of his friends in town, a tall boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, who obviously looked stereotypically Swedish. He introduced me and we moved along, closer to where the bus was to arrive for me.

When we got there, Oscar broke into a panic. It scared me and I kept asking him what was wrong. “I read the time table wrong, I made a mistake. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way, I am so sorry. You must go now, that is your bus. Hurrry” I could see his eyes filling with tears behind his glasses, and he could barely look at me. I was flustered and didnt know what to do. I put my arms around him and asked if he was sure he said, yes yes I am sure. I turned to look at the bus and people were indeed boarding it. I saw as the small line entered and handed the driver their tickets. I looked at him, smile fading, tears welling up in my eyes. I took his face in mine and gave him a quick, hard pressed kiss, squinting my eyes harshly closed. All I could manage was a faint, “Oscar…..” He said I am gonna miss you, but you must go.

I turned my back to him and tried to put on the best face possible as I got onto the bus. I was walking up the stairwell in the bus entrance, glancing back over my shoulder at him. His eyes never left me. I lifted my head and managed to wave at him, I blew him a kiss. It was my turn to talk to the bus driver. Right after working out the details of my destination, I turned one last time to face Oscar from the bus. I whispered to him, “I love you!!” and blew him one more kiss then waved.

I tried to keep all the tears inside. I knew we were supposed to have more time together before we were to say good bye. It was as if it was taken right from a movie. The unexpected parting, the rushing, the crying, the sad goodbye. I just tried to distract myself mentally from everything going around me. It was like I was stuck inside a whirlwhind. I had checked my bad, and went through security saying “tack” to the one inspector, whom I caught off guard and then replied to me in Swedish. Once alone, in the lobby to the gate I realized they had Wifi in the airport. I whipped out my laptop, paid for access, and hopped online. He was there. Just as I was hoping.

What followed was the most heartfelt and emotional goodbye I have ever heard from anyone in my life. He apologized for the whole thing. He said he was so upset he had to go straight home, that he had used an entire box of tissues from crying and blowing his nose. He just kept telling me over and over how sorry he was. What was I to do? I had to go to London. I had to eventually go back to the US. I had school, family, a job, and a life in NJ.

In the coming months of that summer we tried to stay together but it was too painful for the both of us, moreso for him than me. I was willing to be patient and ride this out but he wanted me in Sweden as fast as possible and that was just not possible with college. He wound up breaking up with me that August.

I dropped out of summer school. Took a medical leave from work for a month. Started seeing a psychiatrist. And then, eventually, slowly, got back to my life. It wasn’t until October 2006 shortly after his birthday that I got an online message from him.

Though we may not be together, I know he still has feelings for me. We still talk and we have become close, good friends. He has a girlfriend now, a Swedish girlfriend who I take he likes very much. I want nothing but the best for him. He is a great guy. I will always love him, he will always have a part of my heart that no one else can ever have.

I will never forget 06/09/06-06/11/06. It was the same year the World Cup was taking place in Germany.

And, my mother never found out I went to Sweden…until I told her after he broke up with me.

Posted 2 years ago with 5 notes
#bleak #fireal #any given day #burns inside #finland #finnish #Sweden #goteborg #gothenburg #tack #oscar #oscar lars hasselgren #oscar hasselgren #london #uk #customs #2006 #june #world cup #germany #soccer #football #futbol

  1. mogalicious posted this

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